


this feeling inside me is almost more than i can take

by BluebarrieMuzzins



Series: Three's Company [4]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Frustration, Kid Fic, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Postpartum Depression, Rated T To Be Safe, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29205633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluebarrieMuzzins/pseuds/BluebarrieMuzzins
Summary: Instead of going to the bathroom, J.T. went out to the backyard and sat on one of the patio chairs. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on the patio table in front of him and his head in his hands. He sighed, feeling the need to cry increasing. The more it increased, the more he felt like no tears would fall from his eyes.He sat back in the chair and slammed his hand down as hard as he could on the glass top of the table."Useless," J.T. said, half-shouting. "You're fucking useless, Joseph-Taylor."
Relationships: Gabriel Landeskog/Mel Shouldice, J. T. Compher/Tyson Jost, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Samuel Girard/Erik Johnson
Series: Three's Company [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142729
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	this feeling inside me is almost more than i can take

**Author's Note:**

> Here's part four!! This part focuses a little bit on J.T.'s feelings/emotions surrounding being a first-time father. I hope I did a good job depicting it because I've never been in this situation before, seeing as I'm not a father, but I tried my best to write it to the best of my abilities. Let me know if I actually did a good job at managing it. Thanks, and enjoy!
> 
> If you found this by Googling yourself, are in this yourself, or know someone in this, please click back. No harm was meant in the creation of this fic/series. It's a fictional universe created to help me cope with quarantine and all the stresses surrounding that.
> 
> Title from "Amazed" by Lonestar.

When he became a father, J.T. wasn't expecting to feel so exhausted all of the time. He was a hockey player for a living; his body should've been used to the oddest of odd sleeping patterns and the constant running around. He neglected to realize that his body was used to the stresses of a hockey career. It was decidedly  _ not _ used to the stresses of being a first-time father.

  
  


Alexandria needed so much attention that J.T. had to keep handing her off to Mel so he and Tyson could continue to play hockey. He felt beyond guilty about that. Alexandria was his and Tyson's daughter, not Mel and Gabe's. No matter how many times Mel reassured J.T. that she didn't mind watching Alexandria, J.T. could never shake the feeling that he was bothering her in some way. That the next time would be the time that Mel finally snapped and demanded that he and Tyson find someone else to watch their daughter.

  
  


Even though he felt that way, J.T. also felt like being a father was rewarding. J.T. loved seeing his daughter smile when her papa read and sang to her. He loved how much the other guys on the team respected the fact that he needed to be at home more. Above all else, he loved that Alexandria had a nose that reminded him of Tyson's nose, although J.T. was the one that gave his DNA to the surrogate. He loved his little family and was grateful that he had them.

  
  


He just couldn't understand why he felt irritable the majority of the time. He was used to being chipper, bubbly even. Ever since Alexandria came, his mood had shifted almost a complete one-eighty into a realm that was starting to scare him.

  
  


Nothing bad had happened yet but J.T. had felt himself come close to snapping on Tyson when he was doing something stupid that used to make him laugh. The first example he thought of was pulling stupid faces and blowing raspberries at Alexandria. It had never bothered him when Tyson had done it with Kerf and Mo’s daughter, Josephine, when she was Alexandria’s age. Now that Tyson was doing it with their daughter, J.T. was ready to take his fiance out behind the house to use him as a target for his slapshot drills to make Tyson learn how much it pissed J.T. off.

  
  


That wasn’t the only change J.T. had noticed in himself. He also noticed that every emotion that wasn’t irritability was much more difficult for him to express. Whenever a teammate scored a beautiful goal or whenever one of the goalies made a jaw-dropping save, J.T. found that he had to force a smile on his face and hope that everyone bought it. He couldn’t seem to find an ounce of genuine emotions for anything anymore and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

  
  


Everything came to a head during a team bonding dinner. Gabe had invited everyone over to his house, encouraging people to bring their children or spouses. EJ and Sam appeared at the dinner holding each other’s hand, wedding rings on their fingers. For the first time since before Alexandria was born, J.T. found himself putting on a smile that didn’t feel nearly as forced. EJ and Sam raised their hands in salute at the chorus of cheers that went throughout the house.

  
  


When the cheers died down, J.T. turned back to Tyson and Alexandria. He noticed the fond expression on Tyson’s face as Tyson’s eyes flitted down to the ring on J.T.’s finger and then to the space on his finger. J.T. swallowed thickly, grabbing his grape juice and taking a long drink from it. Tyson raised an eyebrow at J.T. when J.T. placed the glass back on the table.

  
  


J.T. smiled awkwardly, excusing himself from the table to go to the bathroom. Though he didn't say as much, J.T. could tell that Tyson was concerned. He squeezed J.T.'s wrist, looking up at him with a wry smile. J.T. smiled back, kissing Tyson's temple before he walked away from the table.

  
  


Instead of going to the bathroom, J.T. went out to the backyard and sat on one of the patio chairs. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on the patio table in front of him and his head in his hands. He sighed, feeling the need to cry increasing. The more it increased, the more he felt like no tears would fall from his eyes.

  
  


He sat back in the chair and slammed his hand down as hard as he could on the glass top of the table.

  
  


"Useless," J.T. said, half-shouting. "You're fucking  _ useless _ , Joseph-Taylor."

  
  


He slammed his hand down on the table again, hissing when he felt an electric sensation surge up to his elbow. J.T. cradled his forearm, rubbing it gently. He examined his hand, noticing that nothing  _ looked  _ wrong. He knew that looks could be deceiving; he'd have the team trainer do a more thorough examination of it at practice tomorrow.

  
  


J.T. took his barefoot and kicked one of the legs of the table. He cursed rather loudly when he felt the same electric surge go through his toes and back into his Achilles' Heel. He pushed the chair out and looked down at his foot; once again, nothing  _ looked _ wrong but he'd have the trainer examine it further just to be safe.

  
  


He slumped back in the chair and ran a hand through his hair, sighing and chuckling darkly.

  
  


"Are you quite finished?"

  
  


J.T. whipped his head around and noticed Mel and Gabe standing just outside the sliding glass door. J.T. swallowed thickly before nodding and falling back against the chair.

  
  


"Sorry, yeah…" J.T. mumbled, raking a hand down his face. "How long have you been standing there?"

  
  


J.T. heard the chairs on either side of him scrape across the stone patio. He sat up and noticed that Mel and Gabe had walked over and sat down. Gabe crossed his arms over his chest and Mel gave J.T.'s shoulder a comforting squeeze.

  
  


"Long enough," Gabe said, frowning. J.T. noticed a strange look on his captain's face, though he was too distraught to fully comprehend what it was. 

  
  


"Do you feel any better?" Mel asked, leaning back in her chair. She had a somewhat understanding look on her face.

  
  


Sighing, J.T. shook his head and raked a hand down his face.

  
  


"Not really," J.T. said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the table. "But I don't feel worse, either. I just feel… something. I don't exactly know what."

  
  


Gabe's frown turned to an understanding smile to match his wife's. Mel and Gabe both squeezed one of J.T.'s shoulders, Gabe going so far as to pat J.T. on the cheek. 

  
  


J.T. looked between Mel and Gabe, noticing that they had grabbed each other's hands. Gabe was rubbing along Mel's wrist, giving her an expression that felt to J.T. like Gabe was talking with his eyes. And Mel seemed to understand what her husband was saying because she smiled, nodded, and turned to look at J.T..

  
  


"Gabe and I have noticed a few things," Mel said, her voice calm, understanding.

  
  


"Oh? That being?" J.T. replied, looking nervously at Mel. He felt anxiety and bile rise in his stomach. He was already stressed enough and those words didn't exactly help matters.

  
  


"I've noticed how irritable you are around Alex." J.T. nodded to affirm Mel's statement. "Gabe has noticed how withdrawn and unenthusiastic you are at the rink as of late."

  
  


J.T. opened his mouth but Gabe held up his hand.

  
  


"I didn't say anything because it wasn't my place," Gabe said, giving J.T. a sympathetic smile. "Part of being a good captain is having your guys trust you. I knew that if I tried to force my way in before you were ready, you'd never trust me again. Either as a captain or a friend."

  
  


Nodding, J.T. leaned over and gave Gabe an awkward hug. Gabe gave J.T.'s back a couple of comforting pats before they pulled apart. J.T. squeezed Gabe's knee, smiling weakly at his captain.

  
  


"Thank you, Gabe," J.T. mumbled. "I appreciate you not wanting to pry before I was ready."

  
  


"If you're still not ready, we can stop this conversation here and go back inside."

  
  


J.T. shook his head, sighing. He looked between Mel and Gabe. Mel was smiling softly and Gabe looked somewhat concerned.

  
  


"No, it's alright. I'm ready."

  
  


Mel grabbed J.T.'s wrist and squeezed it gently. J.T. took his other hand and placed it on top of Mel's hand, running his hand along Mel's knuckles. A fond expression pulled across Mel's face as she looked at J.T..

  
  


"Gabe and I feel that you need to talk to the team psychologist," Mel said. "We're about ninety-nine percent sure that you have paternal postpartum depression."

  
  


"I…" J.T. trailed off, dropping his head and sighing. "No, yeah. You're probably right. I'll go into her office tomorrow instead of going to practice. Do you think that you can get Bednar to excuse me?"

  
  


Mel and Gabe looked at each other and smiled before looking back at J.T.. Mel squeezed J.T.'s wrist again, smiling softly at him. Gabe gave him a soft smile as well, squeezing J.T.'s other wrist.

  
  


"Already dealt with," Gabe said, smiling. "I told Bednar that Alex had colic and you would need to stay home with her for a few days."

  
  


J.T. felt himself relax in the chair, tears  _ finally  _ coming to his eyes. He wiped them away and looked at Mel and Gabe. They were looking back at him with thoughtful expressions on their faces. J.T. brought one hand over and cupped Gabe's knee and brought the other hand over and ran his thumb across Mel's wrist. Mel squeezed J.T.'s shoulder and Gabe squeezed J.T.'s knee in return.

  
  


A soft smile spread across J.T.'s face as he sat there. A smile that he was pleased to realize felt completely genuine. It was the first genuine smile he had shown anyone since the birth of Alexandria a couple of months ago. Mel and Gabe seemed to realize because they both lit up, smiling happily at J.T.. J.T. smiled back, feeling tears start to fall down his cheeks.

  
  


For the first time in those couple of months, J.T. felt like himself again. He didn't feel broken. He didn't feel like he was a threat to himself, Tyson or Alexandria. He felt hopeful that things would get better. He felt hopeful for his future and he couldn't be more grateful to Mel and Gabe for helping him find that feeling again.


End file.
